A sample script from A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to the Planet Astrologia
Scene One
(Bridge of the spaceship. Kook is seated in the captain’s chair. Solo and Ditto are
seated at the panel infront of Kook. Ohara is seated at her communications desk, wearing a headset.)
Kook’s Voice: Captain’s log. Stardate 1098. The crew of the USSEJH have embarked on a humanitarian mission to the plant Astrologia to deliver a special serum. I should also mention the fact that Starfleet Command has ordered an intensive psychiatric evaluation of my crew. This evaluation will be carried out by Counsellor Coy.
Kook: What is our estimated time of arrival at Astrologia, Lieutenant Solo?
Solo: In exactly 50 minutes, Captain Kook.
Kook: Excellent. What is our present speed, Ditto?
Ditto: Warp 3, Captain. Warp 3.
Kook: Thank you, Ditto. (looks around at Ohara) Ohara, contact the Astrologians
and tell them that we will be there in less than an hour with the serum.
Ohara: Right away, Captain.
Kook: Does anyone know where the rest of the officers are? I haven’t seen Mr. Smock or Veins all day.
Ditto: They are undergoing psychiatric testing, Captain. Undergoing psychiatric
testing.
Kook: Yes, well, isn’t everyone?
Ditto: Counsellor Coy is trying to put Mr. Smock in touch with his human side. Human side.
Kook: And what about Veins?
Solo: I heard that she’s trying to raise his self-esteem. He keeps telling everyone that he’s only a doctor.
Kook: Really, this psychiatric evaluation is starting to become a nuisance. How are things ever going to run smoothly on my ship when everyone’s regular duties are constantly interrupted?
(Coy enters C, carrying a clipboard.)
Coy: (coyly) You were saying, Captain?
Kook: I was saying that your evaluation is interferring with the function of my ship.
Coy: Your ship, Captain?
Kook: Yes, my ship.
Coy: Aren’t you becoming a little possessive? (writes something down on the clipboard)
Kook: Hey, I’ve always been possessive about my ship. It’s never bothered anyone before -- What are you writing?
Coy: (reading) “Captain Kook demonstrates a fanatical obsessiveness about inanimate objects.”
Kook: Fanatical!
Coy: (continues to write and read outloud) “And exhibits a defense mechanism when confronted.”
Kook: Defense mechanism!
Coy: (concentrating) I feel -- hostility. Are you feeling hostile towards me just now Captain?
Kook: Of course I am feeling hostile towards you! I --
(When Coy starts writing again, Kook stops abruptly.)
Kook: What are you going to do with those -- those notes?
Coy: Why submit them to Starfleet, naturally. They are part of your formal evaluation as
commanding officer of this ship. (pauses) It would vastly help your position if you cooperate, instead of showing hostility. I have had great success with Mr. Smock and Veins.
Kook: What have you done with them, you meddler?
(Mr. Smock and Veins enter C. Smock is wearing a smock and is covered with
potter’s clay and dust. Veins wears a serene expression.)
Smock: Good afternoon, Captain.
Kook: Smock! Veins! We were just talking about you.
Smock: Yes, I have spent a most enlightening time with Counsellor Coy. She has taught me that I need to get in touch with my human side. Hence, I have taken up pottery.
Kook: Pottery!
Smock: Working with clay is so relaxing. It is a very logical way to spend one’s idle hours.
Kook: And what about you, Veins?
Veins: Jim, I confess that I haven’t felt so good in years. Counsellor Coy has helped me to see that I’m not just a doctor.
Kook: Well, what are you then?
Veins: (frowning) Well, we haven’t gotten that far yet, but I’m certain that after a few more sessions, I’ll know.
Coy: (beaming) You see, Captain? You should do the same as the rest of your officers.
Kook: (scowling) Never! I don’t care what you say! I --
Ohara: (hand on her ear) Captain, I’m receiving a distress signal from another ship. I can’t quite make it out, but I think their ship is under attack from a meteor shower.
Kook: Funny that we haven’t --
(There is a loud bang and the lights flicker. The crew members jump as if the
ship has received a huge blow. . . .
Copyright by Maureen Ulrich